You ever feel like you're just a space cadet? I do, daily, at one point or another. This morning that moment has already come and it's only 5:51. Does this bode good or evil for my day...who knows. Regardless, my very blond moment will be shared here because it is directly related with this mornings song.
I grew up in an abusive environment surrounded by lies. I was abused by caregivers, my mother, boyfriends, a neighbor...I seem to have been a magnet for mistreatment and shame. All of that led to a difficult to break adult mindset; that I am not worthy of love, I have no value and I am ugly, inside and out. All of my self-worth has come from my abilities over the years. What I do determines my value as a human being. I judge others harshly because I judge myself even harsher not to be mean or cruel or to lord it over them. I compare myself to everyone and avoid people I think are of higher value so that they don't humiliate me. It's a strange and pathetic cycle for a Christian.
God tells us that we are wonderful, unique and beautiful in His sight. He didn't make us to be subjugated, but to rise up and be strong. As women we are compared to the marble pillars of the temple that are adorned with golden pomegranates and palm fronds. They are strong, essential, beautiful. God sees us that way, He believes in our value and our beauty. He loves us.
I have experienced so much freedom from my past it's truly amazing. I have, through the Spirits work, broken the cycles of abuse, escaped from the occult, sought after God's will for my life, and here I sit, hopefully fulfilling, at least part of, my purpose. I am free from my past and the resulting drug and alcohol addictions. I am free from the anger and the unforgiveness I felt for so long towards my mother and the rest of my family for not knowing what I was going through with her, and not believing it when it finally all came out. But I have not been able to let myself be free of those self demeaning behaviors. I am still tied to that judgement, that fear of being humiliated, of losing those I love because I wasn't good enough.
We talked about some of this during our devos this morning; everywhere we look there are people, Christian and non Christian, who are dragging behind them the pain of their past, subjugated by the behaviors acquired through abuse, uncertainty, insecurity etc... Like an emotional ball and chain their every move is affected by the weight of the stigmas developed during times of great trial. God offers freedom, He breaks chains, He binds up broken hearts..and yet sometimes we do not realize that we are still conducting ourselves as slaves. Just as a person with a heavy weight is less likely to take on the challenge of a tall flight of stairs, a person carrying the weight of their past is less likely to undertake new challenges because the concept of bearing that weight is too much and the unknown is frightening, especially when ones past has been fraught with injury and abuse.
Today, after 15 years of being a Christian and much deliverance from addiction, pain and demonic oppression, God took the barest sliver of a moment to show me my chains..the ones I chose to carry. They consisted of these behaviors, these stigmas and misconceptions determined, about myself, during times of stress to cope with the lies being fed to my soul. The truth is; I am free. I don't have to carry those behaviors with me anymore. I don't have to earn love, I don't have to work for acceptance, I do not have to justify every moment of my life, every breath I breathe or feel I am somehow wasting time.
My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me, and like a flood His mercy rains unending love, amazing grace. ~ Chris Tomlin
May the Spirit of the Living God teach me to walk unbound, to love unfettered, to live...free.
May He do the same for you.
P.S. the movie depicted in the video is called "Amazing Grace" it is about William Wilberforce the abolition of slavery in England.