Friday, November 4, 2011

changing directions...sort of

I wanted to let those who read this blog know that I have decided to combined this and my "every-day" blog. I don't know what possessed me to keep them separate, like I could somehow separate my faith from the rest of my day, but I did, and now I find I haven't anything to add here because it is all there and well, I like it all there. It speaks of all of who I am. That's as it should be I think.

To be honest, I wasn't trying to create 2 separate blogs to begin with. I thought I was creating different topics, like folders or something..yes, I'm techno-blond most So there will not be any new posts added here...all will go to my "other" blog, random street :)

Please join me there. I will be posting a study soon on E.M. Bounds complete works on prayer connected to Psalms. It's a cool study and I'm excited every time I sit down to work on it.  I will also be putting in updates about the upcoming Christmas play *NDEEP is producing and so much more. i look forward to your comments, your encouragement and to sharing more of God's inspiration with you :)

Monday, October 24, 2011

You are my Lord

You are my Lord

You are my Lord and I worship You
Bow down before Your throne
You are my Peace, my Strength and my Comfort
And I'm so in love with You

When I am weak, You lift me up
I find my strength in You
When I am lost I'm found by You
You never let me go

Sometimes I find myself in the position of discouragement. I forget who it is that holds me. I forget how amazing the One who wrote out my days really is. Sometimes I need to remind myself of these things so that I can have the courage to walk throughout my day as I believe I have been called to do...

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

It can be difficult sometimes to be all we were meant to be, but, at the end of it all, I have to remind myself that the reason I am who I am, the reason I choose what I do is not because I have to, it's because I have fallen in love with my Creator. Being in love with Big Daddy and my family, to me, means that i think about them throughout the day. It means sometimes i have to do difficult things, sacrifice for their sakes, but it's worth it, so worth it, because I love them. I want to see their smiles, ease their troubles and overall just be good for them.

I am in love with my Savior as well. I want to be who and what He wants me to be because of that love. The really awesome thing, the thing that makes me love Him as I do, is that He is in love with me! He gives me strength, comfort, hope, joy. He shows me in a million small ways every day how much He loves me. And just like it is sometimes hard to remember how much I love Big daddy when we don't see eye to eye, or my kids when they get on my last nerve...(esp. when it seems on purpose)...I can forget exactly who it is I have chosen to follow, and what that means for my life.

Songs like this one encourage me to simply reconnect with my Father. Strengthen that connection with words of love as I would my other relationships. It reminds me who He is, my Savior, my Jesus, the Lover of my soul. :)

Friday, October 21, 2011

my All in All

You are my All in All by Dennis Jernigan

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the Treasure that I seek
 You are my All in All
Seeking You as a precious Jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my All in All

Jesus, Lamb of God worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again, I bless Your name
You are my All in All
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill me cup
You are my All in All

Jesus, Lamb of God worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God worthy is Your name

I looked out at the sunset tonight and was amazed as always. It's my favorite time of day. Most of all it's my favorite time to be outside. I cannot fathom what kind of power, intellect and creativity it took to set into motion the scientific laws that govern the sunsets. It is too much for my finite brain to grasp ahold of. Somehow, God, in His omniscience was able to not only set the sun in it's place, but perfectly orchestrate every law of nature to create the ever changing beauty that is a sunset. It's so vast! No matter where I look I have missed something from the part of the horizon that my eyes cannot see. This portion has turned pink, that portion is periwinkle, now this portion is orange and then, there is a cloud, reflecting varying hues of reds and oranges and purples all on it's own, but only for a moment, then it changes. God! what magnificence!

This morning I was blessed to have this song in my head. So many times I don't allow the music in my head to really  penetrate my actual thoughts. This morning I think I was just ready to hear from God, and this was what my heart was saying without my mind having the choice. :)

I know that to seek first His kingdom is what life is all about. (Matthew 6:33) I have written plays, stories and poems about how wonderful it is when we seek Him first and allow who He is to sink into our hearts and change us. It's not an ugly thing, it's not a painful thing, except that we sometimes have to face parts of ourselves that we may be ashamed of. In fact, when we choose to let go and seek Jesus as our All in All we come to this place of peace that fills our spirits with a joy that isn't explainable (Philippians 4:6-8). There's a beauty that is indescribable in His presence. There's a hope that just isn't shaken regardless of what happens because our focus isn't on our circumstances, our abilities or our selves any longer, it's all on Him. 91Peter 1:13-14) We've taken up His "yoke" and found Him to be true to His word. (Matthew 11:29-30)

If you get nothing else out of your weekend, may you receive the hope that comes from putting your trust for each hour into the hands of the One who is able to orchestrate the universe into a vast and beautiful display of magnificence for us, mere humans, behold and wonder. :)

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

1 Pet 1:13-19 & Phil 4:8

My life Verse for this year is 1Peter 1:13-19. I spent 2 months breaking down and studying this portion of scripture. I am amazed how God's word intertwines and connects. So many different authors, different locales, different times even and it all flows like an amazing tapestry of Light. How I love His Word!

Something I learned in studying this scripture is that my thoughts and my conduct are inexplicably linked. Therefore, when I consider what I am supposed to be mindful of, I must accept that it is this that I am to do also. That being said, I have used 1Peter 1:13-19 and Philippians 4:8 as the inspiration for this prayer. For me, this is my foundation prayer. You ever get that feeling that you are just off kilter? Do you ever just feel like you can't catch your balance no matter how hard you try? This, for me, is my ground. May it inspire you to find and embrace your connection point; your life verse and God's personal challenge to your spirit. I pray that you are encouraged to accept and respond exuberantly to that challenge and that you feel, as you pray, God's empowering Spirit flow through you, filling you with life, light and fire! :)

Today I will wrap Your word around my mind as a shield.
I will be mindful of Your truth.
I will think on what is honorable and in a respectful manner.
I will consider justice and fix my mind on what is clean,
  what is modest and what is morally faultless.
I will meditate on beauty.
I will choose to think kindly of others and
  focus on the manifestations of Your power all around me.
Today I will shepherd my thoughts with Your praise.
I will choose to keep my thoughts grounded in reality
 and not indulge in vain fantasy.
I will rest my hope for all things on Your grace and
  be watchful as You reveal Yourself to me today.
I will choose obedience,
  submitting all of my thoughts to Your scrutiny,
  and Your will.
As You are the perfect Savior, I give my mind to You
  a perfect example of the sanctifying power of
  Your Blood, Your Word and Your Spirit.
Search me and know me Lord.
Try me and know my thoughts and ways.
Reveal to me any anxiety or wickedness within me.
Show me they ways that my life does not fall in line with my beliefs.
Today I will call upon Your name Lord.
I will walk in the light, forsaking the darkness i come from.
I will behave honorably and respectfully.
I will choose justice.
I will keep my way clean, choosing modesty and
  morally faultless desires, speech and behaviors.
I will believe in the beauty of Your handiwork
  and respect my body as Your temple.
I will endeavor to speak with kindness.
I will embrace the manifestations of Your power
 both in and through my life.
I will not steal Your glory or deny Your grace with
self focused or self depreciating behaviors.
I will choose Freedom.
I will believe in my intrinsic value through the sacrifice
  of Your precious and holy blood.
I will be Your ambassador today.
Fill me, Sweet Spirit, with Your power.
Cover me, Blessed Savior, with Your blood.
Show me, Holy Father, Your ways.
I look to You to be my Strength today.

Prayers intro.

Good morning :)

I don't know about you but I like to write out my prayers. Not every one, but those that are based in scripture especially. I have a number of them that I've written, and I use them from time to time as a "conversation starter", so to speak, with the Lord. It's not that at any point I feel like He and I are strangers, it's more that I sometimes just don't know how to intelligibly form what I want to say. I really shouldn't be surprised; I have been writing my thoughts as long as I can remember. I will say that I find these prayers to be powerful for me. I find in them my reminders of who I am and what my Father expects of me. I believe that if God expects it He also enables for it. They encourage me.

My Pastor and friend, Steve, brought back from England a small book of Celtic prayers for me. It was such a sweet gift. They were basic prayers designed to help the one who had gotten a little lost on the pathways towards prayer. I was at the end of a very difficult time in my life; my heart was broken, my Spirit, dry. I was struggling to get the intimacy with God that I had once enjoyed back into my daily life. The prayers are simple and sweet. They have the familiar Celtic cadence to them that seems to speak directly to my soul. I was very grateful. He was worried that I would be offended, because it says quite directly at the beginning of the book that it is designed to get one back on track towards daily prayer. I wasn't offended in the least. I was relieved that someone could see my emptiness and reach out to try and help rather than simply judge me for it.

This is one of those lovely little prayers:

Christ, risen in glory,
scatter the darkness from our path.
Christ, risen in glory,
lift the heaviness from our hearts.
Christ, risen in glory, dispel the troubles from our minds.
Christ, risen in glory,
take the weariness from Your world,
and we will serve You in love, in joy and light and peace. Alleluia. Amen

May the road rise up to meet you today and may God's face never cease to shine on your life.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Oh Lord Your love...

By Caedmon's Call

Oh Lord I give You all I have
But it seems so little
When You've given me so much
I come to You with empty hands
and a heart that's fragile
You come to me with a wealth of love

Oh Lord Your love
is new with every morning
Your faithfulness
it gets me through the night
You bid me come
You know that i am weary
You're yoke is easy
Your burden is light

And now I sing Your songs of praise
But your greatness is beyond me
I know I cannot comprehend
How You, Ancient of Days
Stoop Yourself to call me
To be Your son, to be Your friend

Oh Lord Your love
Is new with every morning
Your faithfulness
It gets me through the night
You bid me come
You know that I am weary
Your yoke is easy
Your burden is light

Good morning.

It's so cool the way the music can help. Sometimes it is a catalyst for something God is trying to help me understand. Sometimes it is an encouragement. This morning it was a sobering comfort :) I had a nightmare just before I woke up. It was intense and left me feeling betrayed and angry with, of all people, Big Daddy. Terrible way to wake up. I was mulling over the details of the nightmare even as this song was playing in my head..the chorus was. I could hear it, but i wasn't "hearing" it. I let it get louder and my own thoughts get quieter. As i did, the words of the song just kind of washed over me, smoothing out my feelings so that i could see them for what they were...not based in fact...not worth choosing to be upset over. The words made me smile, reminded me of His love, His gentle way. I'm really blown away sometimes by how faithful He is to me. I know I do not deserve such care, but what less should I expect from a real Father?

Thank You Father for being concerned about my inner peace as much as my physical needs and my daily walk...You give so much more than I could ever understand.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

My chains are gone...

You ever feel like you're just a space cadet? I do, daily, at one point or another. This morning that moment has already come and it's only 5:51. Does this bode good or evil for my day...who knows. Regardless, my very blond moment will be shared here because it is directly related with this mornings song.

I grew up in an abusive environment surrounded by lies. I was abused by caregivers, my mother, boyfriends, a neighbor...I seem to have been a magnet for mistreatment and shame. All of that led to a difficult to break adult mindset; that I am not worthy of love, I have no value and I am ugly, inside and out. All of my self-worth has come from my abilities over the years. What I do determines my value as a human being. I judge others harshly because I judge myself even harsher not to be mean or cruel or to lord it over them. I compare myself to everyone and avoid people I think are of higher value so that they don't humiliate me. It's a strange and pathetic cycle for a Christian.

God tells us that we are wonderful, unique and beautiful in His sight. He didn't make us to be subjugated, but to rise up and be strong. As women we are compared to the marble pillars of the temple that are adorned with golden pomegranates and palm fronds. They are strong, essential, beautiful. God sees us that way, He believes in our value and our beauty. He loves us.

I have experienced so much freedom from my past it's truly amazing. I have, through the Spirits work, broken the cycles of abuse, escaped from the occult, sought after God's will for my life, and here I sit, hopefully fulfilling, at least part of, my purpose. I am free from my past and the resulting drug and alcohol addictions. I am free from the anger and the unforgiveness I felt for so long towards my mother and the rest of my family for not knowing what I was going through with her, and not believing it when it finally all came out. But I have not been able to let myself be free of those self demeaning behaviors. I am still tied to that judgement, that fear of being humiliated, of losing those I love because I wasn't good enough.

We talked about some of this during our devos this morning; everywhere we look there are people, Christian and non Christian, who are dragging behind them the pain of their past, subjugated by the behaviors acquired through abuse, uncertainty, insecurity etc... Like an emotional ball and chain their every move is affected by the weight of the stigmas developed during times of great trial. God offers freedom, He breaks chains, He binds up broken hearts..and yet sometimes we do not realize that we are still conducting ourselves as slaves. Just as a person with a heavy weight is less likely to take on the challenge of a tall flight of stairs, a person carrying the weight of their past is less likely to undertake new challenges because the concept of bearing that weight is too much and the unknown is frightening, especially when ones past has been fraught with injury and abuse.

Today, after 15 years of being a Christian and much deliverance from addiction, pain and demonic oppression, God took the barest sliver of a moment to show me my chains..the ones I chose to carry. They consisted of these behaviors, these stigmas and misconceptions determined, about myself, during times of stress to cope with the lies being fed to my soul. The truth is; I am free. I don't have to carry those behaviors with me anymore. I don't have to earn love, I don't have to work for acceptance, I do not have to justify every moment of my life, every breath I breathe or feel I am somehow wasting time.

My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me, and like a flood His mercy rains unending love, amazing grace. ~ Chris Tomlin

May the Spirit of the Living God teach me to walk unbound, to love unfettered, to

May He do the same for you.

P.S. the movie depicted in the video is called "Amazing Grace" it is about William Wilberforce the abolition of slavery in England.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Every day music

Every morning I wake up with music in my head. Every single time I wake up in fact, no matter what time, regardless of how long I was asleep, there is a song in my head. Some days it is a secular song. That doesn't bother me unless it's something stupid like "California Gurls" (even though I am one) or "Black and Yellow" (even though those are my high school colors, Go Jags!). I don't know if these songs have any cohesion, or if they actually have to do with the day I have ahead of me, but not believing in coincidence, I want to keep track so that I can see if there's anything to keep track of :)

This morning it was a song that came directly out of my dream and made no sense...great. I finally decide to blog about the ongoing phenom of music in my head and I get a jingle my mind made up to promote a huge, end of summer concert at an abandoned hanger that I was organizing with a former co-worker, in my dream. Terrific.

All is not lost though. During devos this morning with my wonderful kids the real music began :)
We talked about worship and how in Psalm 150 there is a grocery list of instruments to praise God with. The whole point, I believe, is to free the reader to worship God with anything that connects his or her heart to their Creator. Worship is loving, praising and honoring God for who He is to the individual. It's not about what is proper, what is ritual or even what is reverent. It's about what is real.

The Scripture doesn't say, let everything that is grateful, happy or well adjusted praise the Lord. It does say, if it breathes, let it praise Him. We were created for worship because worship comes from a heart filled with love and gratitude. These things are a byproduct of a genuine relationship with a loving Father/Creator/Savior. To be close to Him, to be in His presence, it is impossible not to feel the draw, the connection.

About a year ago I read an interesting article about DNA and music. It suggested that if you turn the DNA strand on it's side, and relegate it to the laws of theory (5 lines, 4 spaces etc...) each individual human beings DNA is a masterpiece waiting to be played by a symphony of instruments. This amazes me. I cannot find the article but I shared different one that seemed to explain the concept if you're interested. 

There's a saying that a best friend is someone who, when you forget your song, can sing it for you. It seems that God has done much more than that. He not only knows your song, He wrote it; something beautiful and unique and amazing.  The Bible says He rejoices over us with singing. Perhaps, He is singing our individual songs. Perhaps, when we are lost, we can seek His voice, and hear the love that went into the unique composition that is us.

Here is today's song; Casting Crowns "Lifesong" enjoy. Be encouraged. Be well.

this is the DNA/Music site

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Psalm 150

Psalm 150

Let All Things Praise the LORD
1 Praise the LORD!

Praise God in His sanctuary;
Praise Him in His mighty firmament!

2 Praise Him for His mighty acts;
Praise Him according to His excellent greatness!

3 Praise Him with the sound of the trumpet;
Praise Him with the lute and harp!
4 Praise Him with the timbrel and dance;
Praise Him with stringed instruments and flutes!
5 Praise Him with loud cymbals;
Praise Him with clashing cymbals!

6 Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD!

Seems fitting that my psalm for the beginning of this journey would be Psalm 150; a declaration of praise to God, recognition of His sovereignty and greatness; His right to receive praise. Praise is a beautiful thing. It is not only a "gift" of sorts to my Father, who has done so much for me throughout the week, the most notable being that He kept me alive through all of the difficulties I have been having with my heart, it is also very uplifting. Fred Hammond was very accurate when he said "It's in your praise!".

It's hard, especially when we are in the middle of it all, what ever "it all" is, to feel like there is any "quick fix". In truth, there usually isn't, but there is a way to encourage oneself to hope. Something that God put inside us responds to our praises of Him. It's swells up. Where we felt desolate we feel encouraged. I know it is a simplistic explanation of the actual change, but bear with me here. It is nearly impossible to expound on feeling. As a Christian i am not supposed to be ruled by my emotions anyway, but to a point, I must be accept their intrinsic involvement in my life.

 God created me to respond in a very human and therefore emotional way. Being a "good Christian" doesn't dictate a disciplined, emotionless life. On the contrary; I am to be perfect as my Father is perfect (As He who calls you is perfect you also be perfect in all your conduct 1Pet 1), and my Father is passionate, jealous, loving, compassionate and so much more. Therefore, my emotions are not anathema to my goal of becoming closer to Him; a lack of control of those emotions however is.

There are many times in an average day where I struggle to control my emotions. There is hurt from my past, frustration with my 4 yr old, disappointment with my 16 yr olds choices, concern and even fear about our financial situations, but being a Christian, I have the tools available that are necessary to control, not negate, not quench, but control those emotions. God has never, in any way, said to me "Child, i want you to stop feeling..." this or that. Rather when I take my situations, my emotions to God He shows me, like through a magic mirror, the truth of the situation. He enables me to feel different. I don't always have time, in a given situation, to seek Him out and sit before Him while He instructs me. Because of this, when I see that I am losing it, I praise.

Praise opens up our spirit. It is a form of communication with the spiritual realm. It would be awesome if we could be open to the spiritual all of the time, and i am sure there are those who are far further in their walk with our Father than I who are. Never the less, I am not. I do not exist in a place where, at a moments notice, I can ask the Lord and hear His answer. But when I praise, when I speak my faith aloud or in song, I open that part of me that is spirit and enable it to drink from the connection to the infinite. Imagine it this way:

There's a woman in a room, it's an ordinary room in an ordinary house. Ordinary things are happening all around her, her children are being ordinary children. There is something so maddeningly mundane about the scene it makes you want to throw something chaotic in the midst of it just to feel like something is happening. Then something does happen; as she moves through the room color starts to drain from her. Not like she is sick and getting pale, but like she is somehow drying up, emptying a little with each move she makes. She helps this one with homework, gets her husband a drink, goes to the kitchen to make dinner, tells that one to take out the trash, all the while, as she serves and directs her little world she is becoming stale, brittle.

A child comes to her as she stirs the pot on the stove and she reacts harshly. The child walks away, but another comes to ask a question, she shoos this one away. Her husband says something and she snaps back. She steps over to the sink, turning her back for a moment on her life. You can see regret overtake her features. She is nearly empty now. There's a hollowness within that cannot be filled by the glass of water she now drinks. She stops and begins to whisper. The words are unintelligible to you, never the less, something begins to happen. Her words open a window to the heavens.

This is how I view praise and it's refreshing work in my life. No matter how one praises the Lord, genuine praise, thanksgiving, declaration of faith, confession of hope, these things open up that part of us that communes with the spiritual realm and enables us to more directly receive from the one who passionately desires to be our Everything. Praise the Lord :) from me to you....may your praise fill your soul to overflowing today

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


I had this dream last night about an orb, a glass orb with swirling colors. I was an orb of enormous power. it was like a one wish orb, but it was granted by God. the thing about it was that i have no idea how it came to my little family. The power though was undeniable. I "knew" what it was we held.

We lived in a tiny little apartment. things in the world had gotten very bad, evil was everywhere. I feared for my children's lives every time they left the house. i could see the effects of the circumstances we lived in beginning to effect the thinking of my older sons. The streets were getting uglier and filthier by the week. it was a very difficult time to live in. we were still free to believe as we chose, but our beliefs had become so "unpopular" that we had to be very careful what we shared and with whom.

Our apartment was in an old building. it was run down and right next to a freeway that was built up so that outside our windows i could see freeway above us and that "under the bridge" ugliness below. I did not send my girls out alone ever. My sons had both had to defend themselves more than once. their faith was waxing. Talitha still believed as a child does, without question because it is so. Abigail believed but was afraid of her own belief because of the suffering that belief could bring her, never the less, she held onto her faith.

Deion worked long hours. we didn't see him much. times were so hard that he had to work constantly just to provide the most basic life for us. Obama was still president oddly enough. I'm not sure why that even matters, but in my dream, there he was. And we existed in a police state. The TV spouted nothing but bad news. The general idea given, not in the media specifically, but definitely from the government and passed through society, is that the state of the world is somehow the Christians fault.

I believe AJ and Jo together got the orb. I believe that i sent them to do this. i believe it was an assignment from God. When they had brought it to me they both had "ideas" of what they wanted to ask of the orb, of God. I don't believe either of them truly had faith that the power of the orb was actually from God or they would have not been so eager to ask anything of it. I think it was too much for their young minds to accept that for some reason God had allowed such a thing in the world, perhaps to test His people. Obviously to further His will and His plan, as does everything in some way or another. I knew that their hearts were weary from the condition of the world and that their minds were, not jaded, but not fully aware of the power or wise enough to be able to ask a good thing.

I understood the weight of the "wish" as it were. I could look at this thing which felt like a warm, heavy, glass marble about twice the size of a large "shooter", with all the colors of existence swirling within it, never steady, always in motion, and recognize the long term effects any word spoken in vain could have of all of us. I told my boys to give it to me, they hesitated only a moment, but were disappointed. There was danger, grave danger in holding onto this thing. They would find it, and soon. Not the kind of soon that leaves time for finding a good hiding spot. In the first place i would not allow this thing out of my grasp much less out of my sight for even a fraction of a second. In the second place, it was too valuable, too terrible a thing for them to not be on the trail at that moment, heading towards our little apartment, endangering not only the lives of my precious children, but the fate of the world as well.

I don't know what made me do it; i could hear the news, Abigail was watching. She was frustrated, by the war and suffering on the very streets we lived on. She felt it was impossible to be safe, to feel protected. She didn't understand why God was allowing this. She struggled with her faith. In that moment i decided to set everything to rights. I chose to take the responsibility of making  the "wish" myself. I don't know why i didn't consult God. Perhaps it was that Moses mentality. I felt my back was against the wall. As much as i love my sons i didn't feel like i could trust them. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that i could count on them, but with the power to make life as you believe you want it to be within arms reach, i was afraid of a mishap. I knew the enemy was coming for the orb and didn't have faith that could keep it safe. I felt my back against the wall and chose to use the orb to get out of all of it.

I wished, and i need to note that my sons were none too thrilled with me for it, for the beginning. I wished that everything God created to be put back in harmonious order as He originally had intended it to be at this point in time. as if man had never fallen. That the heavens, the universe, the planet, the seas the clouds, the atmosphere, everything be set to rights, remade in God's original image of the world and that my family would still be there when He was done. I had some image of God having to wipe clean the earth, perhaps even wipe it out. I saw darkness and light in my mind, the very beginning of the world as it was being reformed. That is what i was afraid might have to happen for my wish to come true, but, of course, i was short sighted as well.

Immediately things began to happen. The orb swirled with all the colors of the universe. I wanted to sit and watch it. I wasn't afraid of Gods power or of what i had asked for. The boys saw things differently. Outside, the winds picked up, the earth shook. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't think of what might happen to us during the destruction. I believed that since i asked that we would be there when it was all done that we would be somehow protected, in a bubble maybe, i don't know. But that wasn't meant to be. I wasn't really understanding the way of God. I was arrogant and foolish where i was was trying with an honest heart to be compassionate and wise.

i received a message on my ipad. i knew it was from God. It was a "How can Christians survive the last days" article that went week by week outlining what would happen at the end. It had tips for Christians on how they might escape discovery and how they might fend for themselves in a world that was going to become suddenly very hostile towards everything to do with God. I realized at that moment what i had done. I had not somehow reset the wonderful balance that i knew God was capable of creating in a perfect world. I had not removed the fears that we had about the escalation of evil in the world and replaced them with peace. I had simply been the catalyst to remove the pin from the end times grenade.

I kept the end times article open. I realized that i didn't even know where Deion was or how to contact him at that point. Storms began to come in. I could hear angry voices outside. I had forgotten that we were still in grave danger because the government thought we still had the orb, which in fact i did, but now i knew it's power was not available to us anymore. it was no longer a tool or a weapon, it was now simply a chronicle of what was happening. I helped Abigail get a sweatshirt and two jackets on and turned my attention to getting Talitha ready. We had to leave and i knew it. The boys were grumbling at me for what i had started. I knew that they would follow or not, it was now completely up to them, i could not carry them, or force them or even beg them, i could only lead them.

Azy was not in my dream. It wasn't as if he didn't exist, only that i didn't have to be concerned about him in any way. The interesting thing about that is , when the time comes i believe in my heart that the boys will have to make that choice for themselves and i can no longer be responsible for what choice they make beyond being an example of the right choice. Abigail i believe is at the turning point of accountability and my two small ones are free from that responsibility, or so i believed. From what my dream spoke to me both of my girls are at the place where they have to start making those choices for themselves or they risk their souls, but Azy is still too young. It is strange to think that in a dream such as this i could actually have a question posed from my own mind to my belief system. But rather than reason this one out on my own, i Will ask God what it all means.

When it was time to go, when we were about to run, Abigail was afraid to follow, but she did with these words "I'll go, then we'll talk!" She was willing to obey, but needed her questions answered. She was angry with me for making a frightening life even more frightening. She didn't want what little security she had taken away from her. BUT she was willing. She just needed to understand, to have the facts so that she wasn't so afraid or maybe so that she knew how to prepare herself for what was coming. i don't know. She is the one who stood out to me though. her inner strength, her determination to do what is right regardless of the fear involved. She is an amazing little human. What a joy and responsibility to be her mother.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Psalm 43

Psalm 43

Prayer to God in Time of Trouble
 1 Vindicate me, O God,
         And plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
         Oh, deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man!
 2 For You are the God of my strength;
         Why do You cast me off?
         Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
 3 Oh, send out Your light and Your truth!
         Let them lead me;
         Let them bring me to Your holy hill
         And to Your tabernacle.
 4 Then I will go to the altar of God,
         To God my exceeding joy;
         And on the harp I will praise You,
         O God, my God.
 5 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
         And why are you disquieted within me?
         Hope in God;
         For I shall yet praise Him,
         The help of my countenance and my God.

God never abandons us. Never the less it can sometimes feel as though we are alone in this fight to the finish line. Here the psalmist asks the question "Why do i go mourning because of the oppression if the enemy?". This is a good question to ask. If we know, even when we don't feel it that God is the God of our strength why does the oppression of a weaker enemy cause us anxiety, fear and grief? I think that this psalmist recognized that we sometimes lose sight of whats real for the sake of whats relative.

How did he get out of this emotional funk he had gotten into? He took his feelings to God. He came to God honestly, without pretense, and laid out how he felt to the Almighty. He did not reason it out in his own understanding, but instead reasoned with God and that's when the truth of the situation came to light. At that point he didn't wallow in his mistake or revel in the revelation, he put his understanding in to action and set by seeking God's way to enable him to break free of the irrational pattern of fear and hopelessness he had been trapped in by the enemy.

The psalmist cries out to God his Strength as the Leader of his rebellion against the enemy that would oppress him. He says "lead me..." believing wholeheartedly that if he asks such a thing of his God, his God will be happy to provide. God is all to happy to not only reveal the truth of our situation to us, but provide a way out AND enable us to get there! He asks God to lead him with His light, to show him the way out of the darkness that his mind has gotten itself into. "Give me light Father," he says, "so that i can put one foot in front of the other on the right path until i come into a place where i am before You, where You are all i see. Then i won't be complaining anymore, I'll be standing in Your presence praising Your name."

When we cannot find our way out of the maze that is our own minds, when reason and circumstance just don't match up with our faith and we are left feeling confused, lost and alone, we do not need to "get a grip" as the world may tell us to do. That is the time when we need to let go. Let it all go to God in prayer, reasoning it out with our Father so that Truth can shine it's light into my life regardless of what is happening within me or without me.

O Sweet Spirit, remind us what a Friend we have in Jesus. Remind us to give Him our all, even in our mess and ask Him to set to rights the confusion and darkness in our minds. Then i will praise Him. Then i will fly, run, walk to His side and worship at His feet saying "O God, my God."

The psalmists final words are of encouragement to himself. God will come. Help is on the way. Don't fear. Don't grieve over your condition anymore child of the King. Put your hope in what will remain; Jesus Christ and His grace. This is what lifts me up. This is what gives me strength to keep on. Bless the Lord!


Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

For me this means that when I look at a situation that I feel is hopeless, or that I am struggling to see the hope in; a friend who is dying, a child who is on the wrong path, a spouse who is struggling with debilitating sin, I can be sure, God is at work. I can be certain that even when I see nothing, something is happening. Because my faith is in someone who is so much greater than the sum of all human knowledge, I'm not going to "get" it. I'm not. Trying to is ego at work. Being certain and being sure is what that faith entails.

 It's not so much a choice as a revelation. It's not so much that I have to choose to believe what I don't see, it's that it's there, and I can put my trust in it even though I don't see it. I know it's there. God has proven Himself to be faithful and true many times in my life. Why would He stop now? That's not what His Word says He will do. His word says that He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it. (Phil 1:6). My part is to remember the facts, not worry about the faith. Faith is a gift of God. He gives it freely, He wants us to be able to embrace the Truths He teaches so that we can enjoy both a fulfilling life here on Earth and then an eternity of joy in Heaven. It's the facts, having begun in the Spirit are we now being completed by the flesh? Of course not.

When I accepted Jesus as my Redeemer, when I recognized my sorry state as a slave for sale in need of a new Master, One who would not just use me for His pleasure, but care for me, protect me, lead me, I was purchased by the blood of Christ, not something corruptible or unstable in it's value. Jesus Blood payed for my soul. (1Pet 1:18-19) His Spirit began a work of sanctification in my life, changing my behavior, by changing my understanding of how things are. That wasn't done by any feat or reasoning ability of man. It was the revelation of Jesus by His own Spirit that began this amazing journey in my life. He taught me that I could rely on God, I could trust in His Word. I, who I am, who I will be in eternity, my true self, began with the instruction of the Holy Spirit in my life. How could I possibly be completed by any means of myself?
Faith is being sure that God cares about the hopeless seeming situations in my life and certain He is at work in them even when I don't see that work. I will and it's always worth the wait.